I have a few minutes to type up a post here. Soon I have to get into the shower and have a lot of things to do. Need to drop Oreo (latest adopted cat in our hours) at the vet so he can get a kitty wellbeing check done today as I run more errands. I have an appointment with S’s therapist. I have to find things to do in between time in the city while I am there because later on I have court today for a suppression hearing for a murder trial. I got called for the defense. Talk about uncomfortable.

S has been having some pretty good days. This morning was rough though and she exploded but before she got on the bus to head out to school she had changed her attitude around. I thought it was going to be a really bad day. However, who knows if she wont crack easy in school today.

Yesterday morning I got home from work and I only have a few minutes to get her ready to get on the bus when I get home. She got dressed in a hurry because she had to show me her snake. The night before she had called me at work to tell me about her gardener snake she had found. He had a scratch so she put a bandaide on him. She made him a house. She told me she was gonna bring him inside for the night because its cold outside. I told her he had to stay outside lol. She went to check on him and being what he is, he escaped!

Off to the appointments I go. Gonna try to post more later today after I know more about my day.

Well things are starting to go downhill but at the same time improve. Just depends on what area we are talking about. S has been struggling the most in school of course because this is where the most demands and expectations are for her. She has meltdowns and has been getting physical with teachers.

Yesterday we had an appointment with a psychiatrist. They rescheduled us from June 8th to yesterday. She has a strange way of dealing with anxiety. She gets really mean and emotional. Then comes the outburst. Yesterday she even was calling me awful names and went off on me. Looking at her saying these things I couldnt but help to see that wasnt my daughter. It wasnt S talking that way to me. Later in the day she even expresses “I just don’t feel myself mom”.

I like her new doctor and like his approach. I am comfortable with him and the ideas on her treatment. Her medication doses are going to be changed by our next appointment at the end of the month.

The school yesterday offered S and I a opportunity for her to go to a specialized school for emotional and behavior problems. They only deal with children until the age of 12. S is already 9 so this is our chance. The school will pretty much pay for most of it. It would be a day program. She would be bused up to the city we live by and brought back home. She would need to attend over the summer. There are a few reasons for this.

Structure, it will continue the structure of education. Continue the structure of her treatment. Help her keep up with her education etc. She can not go back to school for 4th grade as it stands now. A lot of things need to change over the summer in order for her to go. I talked to S about this last night on our walk. She was upset and started to cry. She wants her summer vacation. I explained to her that this summer we have a lot of work to do to get ready for next year. I told her that as things are she can not go to school here for 4th grade and that the school was giving us a gift and a tool for this summer to correct things.

As we were going to bed she said “Mom that school you were talking about?? Well I decided to go mom, I want to go to my school next year” and she made the choice that she needed to give up something to work hard to get good things in return. I let her feel like she had some control over her own care and choices. I gave her the information and let her think about it that allowed her to come to a conclusion.

Its gonna be rough having her in school all summer long. I have faith though that in the end we are gonna see some good results from it. They are good at what they do and know better how to turn around the negative behavior. We need to correct S’s behavior now before we see all out Conduct Disorder.

They are gonna try to get us in for a tour tonight. They are thinking of S starting the middle of next week. Today she has field day at school and she wants me there to watch later today so that is what I am going to do.

Moving on day to day.

I’m not holding shit together very well. I feel as if I am losing it at times and as much as I want to be in control of a situation this one I just can not have control over. I’m trying to balance out my life yet my daughters needs over power everything and I can’t keep up with everything. There is so much pressure for me to be “normal” and to put other things before this situation and it makes me want to go crazy.

I feel this overwhelming emotions that those close around me are being left behind but where do I find the energy to keep everything up to where it needs to be? I am running out of time and energy keeping up with just the basics. I am leaving myself behind and how am I able to care for those around me if I cant even keep up with myself?

S hit her teacher in school yesterday and it all started a meltdown just from math. All it took, she hates match and to her it is the end of the world and she shuts down and falls apart. This is hard because over the summer if there is not improvement I am going to be forced to put her in a school where she will live. I do not think that is best for her, nor can I afford it. If the public school shuns her off, what options do I have left? Home schooling is out of the question because I have to work my ass off to support us and I dont have what it takes to educate a seriously ADHD effected child. It would hold her back.

My job and the hours bring about a huge mess on its own, yet I am trapped and will not make even close to the money I am if I go somewhere else. It’s a all around tough situation and much more is involved in her care. She needs far beyond my resources and what can I do?

In the end I realize that I need something too. Im not sure how I can continue on the way things are. I am not strong enough and I am cracking myself. I am depressed and losing energy fast. Mentally I feel like shutting down but I get up and keep plugging away at it.

I think a support group is needed for me to help me along. To be with others that battle what I do. Maybe that will lift my spirits. Right now they are pretty low, and its hard to feel that anyone understands because they are not living it like I am here. I need those that are living it.