Muse.

Posted 1 year, 5 months ago at 2:06 pm. 0 comments

I am in a strange mood today. K (my ex of 4yrs) called last night. We talk here and there but he rarely calls me so I was shocked to see his number on my caller ID. We had a nice conversation. I realized and told him that in two months it will be a year since I have seen him. That is a long time, but it doesn’t seem that long to me. This last year has gone by so fast. I am glad that he and I can be friends though because that was one strength we had, we were always good friends. I can not be a great friend, because of hurt feelings but I like being able to have a civil conversation.

I did tell him how close I am to quitting my job, taking everything and just starting completely over in my life. South Dakota no longer makes me happy. I like my job but I want more out of my job. I just want to start over. I have been looking at federal jobs though and they are all over the country. I would only want to live where it is warmer. I am sick of winter. I still long to live in Texas…. their DOC does pay good. I am just starting the process….. I realize I could go anywhere I want. It is growing more tempting day by day. Monday I hope to have my resume done and everything ready to start putting in for these jobs.

The most important thing I have learned is I can indeed live with out a man in my life. I don’t need to be taken care of and I don’t feel I need a man to make my life complete. I know that sounds harsh but I think more people should feel these feelings both ways before being in a relationship. Getting with someone out of desperation and filling holes is not healthy compared to being with someone because you want to be with them for who they are and love them for who they are not what they can fix for you.

K and I that was our weakness. He wanted to fix things for me and make my life better. He did make my life better by loving me and allowing me to love him. K had another weakness that he feels he can not be loved and that he can not love someone how he should. It was a roadblock that we could never get past.

Now that I am open to a relationship and allowing myself to feel again I know it will not take all that long. I am curious as for what is next but at the same time terrified. I don’t want to find that man that feels he needs to fix my life and make it all better. I don’t want anymore hurtful things said to me over and over again. I just want a good friend, lover and someone who isn’t scared to love or scared to let me love back. That is hard to find it seems.

I didn’t plan on going off that much on all that but I did. I am getting laundry done, fish tanks cleaned and things ready for my long weekend. I prolly won’t post this weekend as it is hard enough to just get sleep before working again.