Daughter S is turning 8 in a few days. She is so excited. I can not believe she is almost 8 years old. Time flies when you are having fun.

The house is great. I love owning my own home and paying myself rent. Worth it in the end. I had a few things go out on me that were money suckers but I am making through it. There are a lot of things that I want to get too. I want to paint my porch very soon. It needs it bad. Should be able to tackle that in the next two weeks. I don’t have room for a garden as most of my backyard is shaded. I am going to plant some stuff in large pots and put them out on my patio instead. I am looking forward to that.

I finally got my child support shit taken care of. I jacked his support clear up there. He wouldn’t let me civil serve him for the medical bills that are over $3k. I jacked his support up. I am done playing games. He is already behind over $2500 in back child support because he is paying the old amount. They are going to suspend his DL and garnish his checking account if he doesn’t pay it. My lawyer and I are going to get permission from the court to give him process b y publishing it in the paper so I can get the judgment. Once I get it, it will attach to my child support and they will go after him for it. He owes me as of today almost $6k. Sucks to be him. If he would just grow up he wouldn’t have these problems or would it be that hard.

Love life. I don’t have one. I suppose I should get back into that, but a part of me is just not ready. I realize I have baggage. I can not say that I am over my ex. I still love him. I still think about him a lot. I still struggle with it. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and a part of me still wants that. I feel like there is this stupid shit in between us that neither one of us wants to give the strength to correct it. I feel that it is too late to correct it now that I have moved on so much.

I made some huge mistakes. I realize now that I was seriously depressed and not myself. I can not say I was that loving or open to be loved by him or even my daughter. I was so overwhelmed by emotions of all other things. My brother was a lot of it. I was drowning in my own misery. I couldn’t deal with emotions. I developed a gambling problem and put him in a huge financial mess when I lived with him, that was wrong. I didn’t admit to it to him or anyone, not even myself. I cured that when I moved out of his house. My brother’s illness towards the end really threw me off the deep end. Gambling was my release. A poor one.

My financial mess was going deeper in the hole. I felt I was giving everything, but in reality I wasn’t giving much. The last year and a half I have worked hard on it. The last 6mo very hard. It is getting easier to deal with. I have about $2k left in medical bills out of $11k. I have $13k left in my car to pay off and then tackle $26k in student loans and I will just have my house payment. It feels much better to be really working hard at it and seeing an end.

I was negative. Every little tiny thing he did that hurt I balled it up into a huge ball and would throw it at him every chance I could. I guess a part of him wanted him to hurt because I was hurting so bad. Most of my hurt wasn’t even him. I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t allow him to make mistakes. In the end I was making huge mistakes. I am not saying he is perfect. He can be an ass, but he would admit to it and try and not do that again. He didn’t know how to be the best boyfriend. I didn’t know how to be the best girlfriend. ugh.

His parents in the end threw in the last wrench for me. His dad making the comment I wasn’t what they expected for their son. I didn’t want his parents unhappy nor did I want him to have to deal with his parents not liking who he was with.

These are just wounds I have yet to heal and I am working on them. I am a better person and have done a lot of growing. I guess typing this out I realize that I need to be saying this to him in a way too, it can help me let go.

Enough for now.

I did tell him how close I am to quitting my job, taking everything and just starting completely over in my life. South Dakota no longer makes me happy. I like my job but I want more out of my job. I just want to start over. I have been looking at federal jobs though and they are all over the country. I would only want to live where it is warmer. I am sick of winter. I still long to live in Texas…. their DOC does pay good. I am just starting the process….. I realize I could go anywhere I want. It is growing more tempting day by day. Monday I hope to have my resume done and everything ready to start putting in for these jobs.

The most important thing I have learned is I can indeed live with out a man in my life. I don’t need to be taken care of and I don’t feel I need a man to make my life complete. I know that sounds harsh but I think more people should feel these feelings both ways before being in a relationship. Getting with someone out of desperation and filling holes is not healthy compared to being with someone because you want to be with them for who they are and love them for who they are not what they can fix for you.

K and I that was our weakness. He wanted to fix things for me and make my life better. He did make my life better by loving me and allowing me to love him. K had another weakness that he feels he can not be loved and that he can not love someone how he should. It was a roadblock that we could never get past.

Now that I am open to a relationship and allowing myself to feel again I know it will not take all that long. I am curious as for what is next but at the same time terrified. I don’t want to find that man that feels he needs to fix my life and make it all better. I don’t want anymore hurtful things said to me over and over again. I just want a good friend, lover and someone who isn’t scared to love or scared to let me love back. That is hard to find it seems.

I didn’t plan on going off that much on all that but I did. I am getting laundry done, fish tanks cleaned and things ready for my long weekend. I prolly won’t post this weekend as it is hard enough to just get sleep before working again.